2011 IN TWITMERICKS

TWITMERICKS REVIEW OF THE YEAR – 2011 IN LIMERICKS 

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I began writing twitmericks in May.

It started with the AV referendum on may 5. I believe it was Channel 4 News who asked Twitter users to explain the difference between First Past the Post and Alternative Vote in 140 characters, so I set myself the additional challenge of doing it in a limerick (see below).

A week later, I decided to have a go at tweeting the news every day. When I searched Twitter to see if anyone was writing limericks already, I found a few – but mainly because that day, May 12, was Limerick Day, marking the 199th birthday of the world’s best-known limerick writer, Edward Lear.

This means on his 200th anniversary, I will have been doing them for a year, which seems fitting.

Meanwhile, here’s a selection from 2011. They  may not cover the whole year, but I think they give a reasonable reflection of it.

Mick Twister/Twitmericks.

SEE YA LATER, EX-DICTATOR

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There was an old man from the Nile

Of odious crocodile smile

But as every dictator

Should sooner or later

Mubarak is now standing trial.

BASHAR ASSAD – MAD OR BAD?

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President Bashar Assad

Was given the job by his dad

In the gathering storm

He promised reform

But Syrians felt they’d been had.

MUAMMAR IS NO MORE

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Libya’s modern-day Caesar

Was laid on a slab in a freezer

His power stripped bare

No more gladhanding Blair

Nor making eyes at Condoleezza.

AL QAEDA’s CHANGE OF LEADER

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The violent death of Osama

Was ordered by Barack Obama

But some say the leader

Behind al Qaeda

Had his dogma knocked down by his karma.

*****

An Egyptian called Ayman’s now leader

Of terror franchise Al Qaeda

It’s a step up in theory

For al-Zawahiri

But I wouldn’t envy the bleeder.

EUROPE’S AUSTERITY, GIFT TO POSTERITY

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The Mediterranean diet

Is austerity, tear gas and riot

As lines of police

Charge protesters in Greece

Causing pan-European disquiet.

*****

Moodys, Fitch, Standard&Poors

Allot creditworthiness scores

As all missed the crisis

I’d say their advice is

As useful as Harry next door’s.

BYE BYE, PHONY BURLESQUONI

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There is an old man from Milan

Who’s hung on as long as he can

Now every last crony

Has ditched Berlusconi

His political life’s down the pan.

*****

There is an Italian called Mario

Who supplanted an ageing lothario

Appointed pro tem

As Italian PM

He replaces the old impresario.

MOBILE HACKERS CAUGHT BY THE KNACKERS

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A cynical liar named James

Fires the poor suckers he blames

I hope all the hacks

Mr Murdoch now sacks

Blow the whistle & start naming names.

*****

News International’s Rebekah

Ended up as a newspaper wrecker

A media vandal

At fault in the scandal

But so were those failing to check ‘er.

*****

There was an old man from Australia

Who tried on MPs, inter alia

Amnesia, humility

Disdain and senility

But in the end it was a failure.

WHO HAD SEX WITH MR X?

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Mr X has had zero compunction

In taking a superinjunction

It bars me from saying

Whose part X was playing

Or describing the bodily function

AV V. FTTP – EASY AS ABC

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The system of 1st past the post

Awards seats to the one polling most

When using AV

You vote 1,2 and 3

So round 1’s winner may end up toast

PICKET GOVE – A JERK, BY JOVE!

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A prominent Tory named Mike

Says teachers are naughty to strike

An angry attack

& yet Gove, as a hack

Was a picket himself – what’s he like?

LIAM FOX TAKES SOME KNOCKS

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Pseudo Fox aide Adam Werritty

Acted the part with dexterity

But it takes cash to fly
Every month to Dubai

So who was behind his prosperity?

WHAT’S YOUR STORY, SCOTTISH TORY?

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The Scottish Conservatives’ name

Appears to be causing them shame

But even rebranded

I have to be candid

They’re going to lose all the same.

DOMINIQUE UP LE CRIQUE

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A serial shagger from France

Was accused as we all looked askance

Now DSK’s sorry

But his no. 1 worry

Is he screwed his political chance.

ANTI-SEMITIC? JUST WHEN PARALYTIC

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Galliano, big cheese in design

Got a 6,000-odd Euro fine

For race-hate to Jews

Which he blamed on the booze

(An unusual reaction to wine).

SEPP BLATTER, MAD AS A HATTER?

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That funny old man Mr Blatter

Says racist abuse doesn’t matter

Shake hands, it’s a game

Nobody’s to blame
But fans want his head on a platter.

NEXT TIME, STIPE, AT LEAST USE SKYPE

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REM’s rock n roll poet

Who’s aging & starting to show it

Split the band up online

& tho I feel fine

It’s the end of the world as we know it.

TWITTER RIOT? WE WON’T BUY IT

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The riots in London don’t stem

From the tensions of us against them

Forget sociology

Blame the technology

Twitter, FB, BBM.

*****

Home Secretary Teresa May

Concedes anarchy in the UK

Was not caused by Twitter

So Dave’s a bullshitter

And social networks win the day.

TAKING LIBERTIES WITH RELATIVITY

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Our notion of cause & effect

Could be comprehensively wrecked

The thing’ll unravel

If particles travel

At faster than light, I suspect

FAREWELL RHYMES FOR FOLKS OF OUR TIMES

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So farewell Lucian Freud

Whose paintings I’ve always enjoyed

You got your success

Painting folks in undress

Which has to beat being employed.

*****

There was a director called Ken

Who made the odd film now and then

He did various ones

On composers and nuns

And one with nude wrestling men.

*****

So long Mr Christopher Hitchens

A writer of fervent convictions

He drank & he smoked

As he argued & joked

Verbal combat among his addictions.